sexiestblueclue

PS

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 07:31:45 GMT

The part that makes losing Nathan hardest is that when he is around I can believe I'll be loved one day- I can believe I'm cute or even maybe pretty and that I'm deserving of someone paying attention to me and loving me. He doesn't make me feel smart perse, but he does make the future look possible rather than cat filled- which is good in its own way...but still.

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 07:26:30 GMT

So it looks like this will be the journal of choice for the moment at least.

In our latest news my dad is going down to help the redcross because he's trained as a disastor councilor to first responders n stuff.

Also Nathan and I had a lovely evening til I asked him why he said he was sad in an email he sent me in response to one I sent him... you can imagine it just went down hill from that point. Cullminating in me sobbing so hard in my car about a block from my house that my nieghbor came out to see if i was okay and when I clearly wasn't drove me home. yay anxiety leading to paralasis of my left arm :)

And now I'm exhausted and I can't sleep and I wish I was in Beloit (of all god awful places) cause I need a certain type of attention/non attention right now.

One day I'll learn to keep quieter and things will be better. Til then I'm going to watch Zim and dread the coming of the sun.

I know it will all work out, why am I trying to force something? Nathan clearly isn't the man for me, nor does he want to be. I'll find it in me to be happy when he finds someone and one day i'll die alone with my cats. It doesn't feel like I could ever be okay with him being with someone else... but I'm sure with enough cats I will be able to be.

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 17:42:33 GMT

Today is beautiful.

In highschool when we were sr. we could cut- only that only happened in the spring once we got priveledges. If i had school all day long today I would cut- but I don't.

I'm going to go to the park after school. I'm bringing a blanket and a book and some cards. I plan to get there around 3:30. This is the park by Baldwin we use to hang in. Anyone in the area come play with me. I plan to lay in the grass and twirl around and read and generally enjoy the weather not sucking.

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 05:45:48 GMT

I think perhaps this account will become more active as well. we'll see what works best.

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 05:24:04 GMT

"you get what what you pay for but i just had no, intention of living this way"

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 17:12:41 GMT

1. Grow up
2. :(

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 06:54:16 GMT

I said things outloud that shouldn't be said. In the end I needed to be told that I do have the answer to figure things out, but never the less its selfish.

Reflective and No Substance- You've Been Warned

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 15:23:50 GMT

Reflection on Pain- Not in the Good Way
At what point is it not okay to give someone what they ask for? At what point do your friends, lovers, family become responsible for hurting you even if you seem to always ask for it? Is it always the responsiblity of the broken one to fix themselves enough to insist on being treated well? How does that happen if the ones they trust the most are the bringers of the pain? If the majority of your 'formative years' are spent in pain and in coping with pain how do you learn the lessons your peers learned at 7 or 10 or 14 or 17? If you learned the lessons that most do in college in those years how to you figure out the things you ended up missing? And more importantly how do you do that without regressing?

I believe that a degree of physical and emotional suffering is necissary to fully understand empathy and to mature as a person. What is enough and what is too much of that suffering? Personally I believe my emotional growth has been stunted by the intensity and amount of pain I have encountered in my life- at the same time people who haven't had nearly the expierences I have seem to be stunted in a different way. Labling those with deficencies in life relating to their level of expierence of 'reality' or suffering is easy enough- one calls them immature and the implication is that given time they'll get the information they need and 'grow up'. What do we call people who 'wasted' years of their lives by coping with their pain and 'growing up' very quickly? Their seems to be no simple lable or simple directive to give these individuals. There seems to be realtively little that the individual can do without being in relationships with patient people.

So I return to my first questions- to what degree is the matury of our friends, lovers, families our responsiblity. Life has given us a path, history has given us some expierences- do we have obligations to protect people or to facilitate their exposure to suffering? I don't want to say yes to that- but saying people have no obligation to me leaves me alone with my responsiblity and in a place where I need to be more literally alone to figure out how to cope.

Perhaps Costa Rica is the best option.

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 14:54:21 GMT

Elly,

I don't expect I'll really be able to explain this to you while I'm here this time and most certainly not in this format- I'm not sure it matters that you understand it in any depth. I'm posting this because I want to recall it and remember to talk to you about it later.

Talking to you last night was the best thing I've done for me since last spring.

Thank you.

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 05:49:12 GMT

Minh

She's littler than she looks

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 21:44:48 GMT

Today is beautiful!

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 19:17:06 GMT

My kitten just peed in the literbox! I'm not failing school! I'm even on the right track!

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 03:58:08 GMT

My peers are currently Zim, GIR, the South Park gang, the Tick, Arthur, and occasionally the Oblong family and John Stuart. This has signifigantly effected my vocabulary and I believe made me way wierder. Don't get me wrong... its not I'm so far gone I talk to them or anything, its just you know the way people pick up accents and word patterns? Well I'm more South Park then I think I'm comfortable with.

Lane, are you ready?

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 20:31:32 GMT

Sometime after 2026 I'll know the president of the United States :) And.. he he he for Elly and Russ :)

Jobs for your LJ Friends by brianwarnersgrl
Username
are you sure you want to know?
positive?
ok this person is a hooker:	beloitst
this person is a wrestler:	graydancer
this person is in a famous band:	tumorous
this person is the singer of that band:	questingfalcon
this person will be the future president in 2026:	barkeep49
this person is a babymaker:	feodoric
this person is a drug dealer:	sfogarty
this person is a stripper:	cosecant
and of course we all knew they would be a nun	lerite

Quiz created with MemeGen!

FUCK

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 04:43:24 GMT

The GD kitten keeps peeing and pooing next to the literbox. I had so hopped she'd go in the box tonight- I'm afraid that she only went in there because I put her in the bathroom again because she was stratching at the bed in a suggestive way. The little grains seem to get more in her paws- argh! I can't be a mommy!!!!!

"This must be an example of the great tolerance and compassion leftists claim to have."

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 22:03:56 GMT

That was left as a comment in response to my other post. I respect and apperciate being called being harsh to Rehnquist, what got my hackles up was the assumption of my belief in generic terms. So there are no hard feelings or anything, I just don't get to debate enough in my day to day life.

In all fairness to me I do not claim to be tolerant. Tolerance is for hacks and hippies who don't know how to disagree and accept that sometimes people just won't meet to play on the same field. Tolerating something is truely terrible- people should agree or disagree and accept or reject things. It makes me ill when people talk about tolerating gay people. Gay people are not a headache, they are not a sprained ankle, they are not something to suffer through til the pain is over. If you don't like their lifestyle thats fine and you don't need to live it and no one should be pushing themselves so much into others people's space that people can't get away from what they don't like. I have enough respect for Rehnqist as a human and individual not to tolerate him- I disagree with his political beliefs and pretty much everything he has chosen to do in his life. His personal beliefs are fine until he starts interpreting the consitution -I believe he pushes his own agenda not what is right by the law (which often says things I don't support but I can agree with their validity) I accept that some people think differently than me and choose to live differently than I do. I believe I am righter for me than they are and so especially have issues with paternalistic judges who desire to have control over my body and my ablity to express myself. Furthermore, I am compassionate and I do not think that my statement is contray to compassion in anyway. I did not wish or will illness on anyone. I am using the manifestation of an illness to greater deepen my faith in the ultimate justice of the universe. I'm also pretty sure I'm not a good example of the leftist camp- I'm more radical and more conservative than most, I'm very anti-paternalistic laws and pretty pro-states rights. But more than anything I'm a woman and Rehnquist offends me on that fundimental level- I'm glad he didn't need to go to the surpreme court to get his medical proceedure approved- Unlike him, I don't wish that on anyone- if we are talking about compassion I think our voting records speak for themselves and Rehnqist loses pretty hard.

***Edit*** In light of the offense I recently took- I just want to clarify that I'm implying nothing about anyone's feelings about gay people- It was just the simplest example that came to mind of something that as a society we discuss tolerating.

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 18:15:49 GMT

Today so far has been awesome- asside from my hormones being so off that the news makes me cry and my kitten is terrified of me- I assume she thinks I'll lock her in the bathroom for 6 hours again. Anyway, I got new liter at the store and a little very low pan. I got the 'flushable' kind of liter, which i doubt I'll use for that- but i figured it would be close to sand grain size and not big and flakey like the other stuff- I was write, hopefully this will help. Being locked in the bathroom traumatized the kitty but it made me love her so much more- she pooped right on top of her liter and she peed right next to it, but all on the paper. I'm so happy. I got in school work and exercise. Now I'm about to make a few phone calls then head to the library, then do more school work before having an evening to relax without any work waiting for me. Being on schedule and having exercised and not coming home to clean up cat pee or poo is totally an amazing way to live- I would like to do this more often.

***Edit*** So NPR said the other day that the Soxs winning those four games in a row was definitive proof of God existing- I didn't need proof of God personally, but I've been wondering about how Just God really is in this crazy world we live in- for all of those of you who, like me doubt how Just our God can be please check out what happens to you when you are a crotchty old man who makes up funny designs for you robes and makes contradictory rulings which imply senility or just idiocy. Normally I would take no joy in a person becoming sick, but when you speak terrible things there is something fitting in having a trachotomy. Things are working quite in my favor today- all my cosmic questions are being answered and my kitten even seems to like as much as I like her :)

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 04:24:57 GMT

Huzzah!

That is all.

Sat, 23 Oct 2004 15:24:12 GMT

I'm watching Shrek- Minh just tried to hit the milk that is being poured to torture the gingerbread man- when she couldn't get it she pulled back and then looked behind my screen :)

Sat, 23 Oct 2004 14:21:04 GMT

Minh pooped right next to her literbox. She can easily hop out of it... is it maybe too high for her to get into? It shouldn't be... she can get on that little table. she woke me up this morning at 6am trying to play- do I regret roughhousing with her early? yes- it took less than 20 hours, yay me. ::sigh:: she bit my butt, like she attacked my thigh, jumped up on my hip and then leaned over and bit my butt. thats when i pulled all the covers back over me, groaned and curled up with my Blue. She started to try to play more later but I vetoed it and pulled out the string. Now she's pouncing on everything as I type wiggling her butt planning to attack my fingers. yep, there she came- so i have a very cute but psycho kitty who I do now believe is being a bitch about the litterbox. She also tried to eat Kant and is chewing on my wires for my computer. I trimmed her front claws a lot- that made it hurt far less when she jumped off my face this morning, i only got hit with her back paw.

I veto eating when friends aren't around, it leads to terribleness. I slept a whole lot last night, didn't do nearly what I should have yesterday and now I feel like crap. If I can get around to finding something to wear I'll go to the Halloween party tonight...though i guess i still feel odd about where Nathan and I stand with things, so i might sleep more instead. If I go I expect there will be a nifty post, though it might need to wait til I talk with Nathan about things cause I like him to know stuff first and not find out about me through LJ.

Yes I'm posting alot... sorry....

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 19:23:26 GMT

Why are life groups/ christians/ politicians/ ect always bitching about abortion- we have state sanctioned murder! Why doesn't anyone care about that?

Us crazy Catholics seem to be the only ones who care about it and only the quiet-less-crazy-nonbishop ones at that. GRRRRRR. (I know you Amnesty international people care too- I'm just having an aneorism, don't mind me)

Jesus Christ- we want to be respected in the world and yet our bedfellows (the only contries who execute as many people as we do) are China, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and Iran. All three of which we have harshly (and I believe rightly) critized for human rights violations. We are a memeber of an elite group of six countries that executes people who were minors at the time the crime was commited (in bed this time with- Iran, Nigeria, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Yemen) Not who we usually like to say our peers are, are they?

Yes, Bush has screwed us internationally, yes people respect us now even less than before- but you know what... we've been throwing around our wieght without nearly enough self-critism for a really long time- we have the president the american people deserve. we have a man in office that didn't even bother to read the death penality appeals that came to his desk as govener of a state that executes the mentally incompentent. I guess you don't have to read the appeals if you are willing to kill regardless of the compency of the accused to stand trial. No wonder he supports things like the patriot act, the man didn't care about due process as a governer, why should he as president? And do we as americans care about due process? Sure, when its us. When its my phone being tapped, when its my meranda rights not being read- do I care someone who primarily speaks spanish can be read their rights in english and then interigated in english without being notified of the availablty of a translator? who needs a notification of their rights more? a middle income white women or a poor first generation hispanic women? we are both americans but let me tell you one of us is more a citizen than the other.

So I voted. I voted with my conscience for the individual who will not push us further in the direction that our self involved and self righteous culture seems to so desperately want to go in. I don't know if I'll ever care to vote again in this country. I voted selfishly this time in deseperate hope to hang onto several things that I believe are good in this country and that I greatly enjoy the access to.

I've seen what a lack of education and a lack of democracy mean, I've seen what a culture that doesn't value the life of girl babies as much as it does male babies looks like, I've seen the disfunction, corruption, and trauma that forcing a way of life leaves on a people/culture/economy. Our theory is so much better than so many others, our options are so much more varied- we could be excellent, we could be free. We just don't want to.

We don't want the work of truely valueing life. We don't want to make keeping a baby or giving it up for adoption as viable options for poor mothers as abortion is. We don't want to educate everyone and have a level playing field for people to enter college. We don't want to figure out how to really forgive and how to live with compassion. We want our society relfected in our government and then we want to bitch about how the government doesn't help us enough or undercuts our values.

I'm not saying it should be easy. I just wish people would start taking responsiblity for themselves and where its reasonable take some for their nieghbor too. ::sigh:: Okay, I'm done with my siezure.

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 18:12:37 GMT

so it would take a bit of work to put pictures of Minh up- do people care? I can't do nifty polls so possibly just respond yes or no in comments or im me... MixMasterKate

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 17:44:32 GMT

I put the literbox where the kitten has been going to the bathroom... now she isn't going and is gassy ::sigh:: I'm roughousing with her a little right now which i'm worried will come back to haunt me in future years/weeks... but she still runs away from me so often that I'm just trying to keep it okay for me to move while around her. I'm pushing her away when she bites me- thats our consinstant rule since she drew so much blood- no kitty bites.

She is afraid of my new toys (I'll explain more later) which is actually pretty good cause I hope that means I won't need to worry about her trying to kill them.

I say rather loudly "Timma" to Minh when she is doing something silly or when i want her to be still... does that mean i've watched too much southpark?

I think she just peed and I can't find it in the house, so I think that means she went in her box... i'm too skeptical to really hope for that right now though, so i'm waiting to step in a puddle and flip ...

Its amazing how stressed I've become over this little life that is my responsibly to feed and house and raise to be a socially acceptable creature- I mean I'm babbling like a new mom about her going potty and getting potty trained and being worried about teaching her the 'right' things.

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 01:15:34 GMT

So my tummy is back to being sore. Is this a nervousness thing? I'm becoming worried about my overall health as it seems to going downhill. While people were here I was able to eat normal food and to keep it down despite being nauseaus and owie. Anyway, I also have a whole bunch of books that are hella overdue at the library. ::sigh:: Well, I guess they aren't so overdue so much as there are about 20 of them.

The kitten isn't literbox trained. I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'm going to have to put her in the bathroom the whole time I'm at work tomorrow. That makes me sad because that seems like a terrible thing to do to the kitten, but I can't have her peeing on my stuff. If you guys have any thoughts on how to train her I'd appericate it.

Off to watch some SouthPark before an early bed and day filled with lots of stuff tomorrow.

Thu, 14 Oct 2004 17:30:00 GMT

Depsite general support for Mao, the kitten will be named Minh- this desicion is being made without the one person I was suppose to check with, but well the kitten needs a name, so there is still a chance the name will change i guess but for now its safe to call her Minh, or Ho :) just watch out, she will get Red Army on your ass.