sexiestblueclue

The part that makes losing Nathan hardest is that when he is around I can believe I'll be loved one day- I can believe I'm cute or even maybe pretty and that I'm deserving of someone paying attention to me and loving me. He doesn't make me feel smart perse, but he does make the future look possible rather than cat filled- which is good in its own way...but still.

So it looks like this will be the journal of choice for the moment at least.

In our latest news my dad is going down to help the redcross because he's trained as a disastor councilor to first responders n stuff.

Also Nathan and I had a lovely evening til I asked him why he said he was sad in an email he sent me in response to one I sent him... you can imagine it just went down hill from that point. Cullminating in me sobbing so hard in my car about a block from my house that my nieghbor came out to see if i was okay and when I clearly wasn't drove me home. yay anxiety leading to paralasis of my left arm :)

And now I'm exhausted and I can't sleep and I wish I was in Beloit (of all god awful places) cause I need a certain type of attention/non attention right now.

One day I'll learn to keep quieter and things will be better. Til then I'm going to watch Zim and dread the coming of the sun.

I know it will all work out, why am I trying to force something? Nathan clearly isn't the man for me, nor does he want to be. I'll find it in me to be happy when he finds someone and one day i'll die alone with my cats. It doesn't feel like I could ever be okay with him being with someone else... but I'm sure with enough cats I will be able to be.

Today is beautiful.

In highschool when we were sr. we could cut- only that only happened in the spring once we got priveledges. If i had school all day long today I would cut- but I don't.

I'm going to go to the park after school. I'm bringing a blanket and a book and some cards. I plan to get there around 3:30. This is the park by Baldwin we use to hang in. Anyone in the area come play with me. I plan to lay in the grass and twirl around and read and generally enjoy the weather not sucking.

I think perhaps this account will become more active as well. we'll see what works best.

"you get what what you pay for but i just had no, intention of living this way"

1. Grow up
2. :(

I said things outloud that shouldn't be said. In the end I needed to be told that I do have the answer to figure things out, but never the less its selfish.

Reflection on Pain- Not in the Good Way
At what point is it not okay to give someone what they ask for? At what point do your friends, lovers, family become responsible for hurting you even if you seem to always ask for it? Is it always the responsiblity of the broken one to fix themselves enough to insist on being treated well? How does that happen if the ones they trust the most are the bringers of the pain? If the majority of your 'formative years' are spent in pain and in coping with pain how do you learn the lessons your peers learned at 7 or 10 or 14 or 17? If you learned the lessons that most do in college in those years how to you figure out the things you ended up missing? And more importantly how do you do that without regressing?

I believe that a degree of physical and emotional suffering is necissary to fully understand empathy and to mature as a person. What is enough and what is too much of that suffering? Personally I believe my emotional growth has been stunted by the intensity and amount of pain I have encountered in my life- at the same time people who haven't had nearly the expierences I have seem to be stunted in a different way. Labling those with deficencies in life relating to their level of expierence of 'reality' or suffering is easy enough- one calls them immature and the implication is that given time they'll get the information they need and 'grow up'. What do we call people who 'wasted' years of their lives by coping with their pain and 'growing up' very quickly? Their seems to be no simple lable or simple directive to give these individuals. There seems to be realtively little that the individual can do without being in relationships with patient people.

So I return to my first questions- to what degree is the matury of our friends, lovers, families our responsiblity. Life has given us a path, history has given us some expierences- do we have obligations to protect people or to facilitate their exposure to suffering? I don't want to say yes to that- but saying people have no obligation to me leaves me alone with my responsiblity and in a place where I need to be more literally alone to figure out how to cope.

Perhaps Costa Rica is the best option.

Elly,

I don't expect I'll really be able to explain this to you while I'm here this time and most certainly not in this format- I'm not sure it matters that you understand it in any depth. I'm posting this because I want to recall it and remember to talk to you about it later.

Talking to you last night was the best thing I've done for me since last spring.

Thank you.

Minh

She's littler than she looks

Today is beautiful!

My kitten just peed in the literbox! I'm not failing school! I'm even on the right track!

My peers are currently Zim, GIR, the South Park gang, the Tick, Arthur, and occasionally the Oblong family and John Stuart. This has signifigantly effected my vocabulary and I believe made me way wierder. Don't get me wrong... its not I'm so far gone I talk to them or anything, its just you know the way people pick up accents and word patterns? Well I'm more South Park then I think I'm comfortable with.

Sometime after 2026 I'll know the president of the United States :) And.. he he he for Elly and Russ :)

Jobs for your LJ Friends by brianwarnersgrl
Username
are you sure you want to know?
positive?
ok this person is a hooker:	beloitst
this person is a wrestler:	graydancer
this person is in a famous band:	tumorous
this person is the singer of that band:	questingfalcon
this person will be the future president in 2026:	barkeep49
this person is a babymaker:	feodoric
this person is a drug dealer:	sfogarty
this person is a stripper:	cosecant
and of course we all knew they would be a nun	lerite
Quiz created with MemeGen!

The GD kitten keeps peeing and pooing next to the literbox. I had so hopped she'd go in the box tonight- I'm afraid that she only went in there because I put her in the bathroom again because she was stratching at the bed in a suggestive way. The little grains seem to get more in her paws- argh! I can't be a mommy!!!!!

That was left as a comment in response to my other post. I respect and apperciate being called being harsh to Rehnquist, what got my hackles up was the assumption of my belief in generic terms. So there are no hard feelings or anything, I just don't get to debate enough in my day to day life.

In all fairness to me I do not claim to be tolerant. Tolerance is for hacks and hippies who don't know how to disagree and accept that sometimes people just won't meet to play on the same field. Tolerating something is truely terrible- people should agree or disagree and accept or reject things. It makes me ill when people talk about tolerating gay people. Gay people are not a headache, they are not a sprained ankle, they are not something to suffer through til the pain is over. If you don't like their lifestyle thats fine and you don't need to live it and no one should be pushing themselves so much into others people's space that people can't get away from what they don't like. I have enough respect for Rehnqist as a human and individual not to tolerate him- I disagree with his political beliefs and pretty much everything he has chosen to do in his life. His personal beliefs are fine until he starts interpreting the consitution -I believe he pushes his own agenda not what is right by the law (which often says things I don't support but I can agree with their validity) I accept that some people think differently than me and choose to live differently than I do. I believe I am righter for me than they are and so especially have issues with paternalistic judges who desire to have control over my body and my ablity to express myself. Furthermore, I am compassionate and I do not think that my statement is contray to compassion in anyway. I did not wish or will illness on anyone. I am using the manifestation of an illness to greater deepen my faith in the ultimate justice of the universe. I'm also pretty sure I'm not a good example of the leftist camp- I'm more radical and more conservative than most, I'm very anti-paternalistic laws and pretty pro-states rights. But more than anything I'm a woman and Rehnquist offends me on that fundimental level- I'm glad he didn't need to go to the surpreme court to get his medical proceedure approved- Unlike him, I don't wish that on anyone- if we are talking about compassion I think our voting records speak for themselves and Rehnqist loses pretty hard.

***Edit*** In light of the offense I recently took- I just want to clarify that I'm implying nothing about anyone's feelings about gay people- It was just the simplest example that came to mind of something that as a society we discuss tolerating.

Today so far has been awesome- asside from my hormones being so off that the news makes me cry and my kitten is terrified of me- I assume she thinks I'll lock her in the bathroom for 6 hours again. Anyway, I got new liter at the store and a little very low pan. I got the 'flushable' kind of liter, which i doubt I'll use for that- but i figured it would be close to sand grain size and not big and flakey like the other stuff- I was write, hopefully this will help. Being locked in the bathroom traumatized the kitty but it made me love her so much more- she pooped right on top of her liter and she peed right next to it, but all on the paper. I'm so happy. I got in school work and exercise. Now I'm about to make a few phone calls then head to the library, then do more school work before having an evening to relax without any work waiting for me. Being on schedule and having exercised and not coming home to clean up cat pee or poo is totally an amazing way to live- I would like to do this more often.

***Edit*** So NPR said the other day that the Soxs winning those four games in a row was definitive proof of God existing- I didn't need proof of God personally, but I've been wondering about how Just God really is in this crazy world we live in- for all of those of you who, like me doubt how Just our God can be please check out what happens to you when you are a crotchty old man who makes up funny designs for you robes and makes contradictory rulings which imply senility or just idiocy. Normally I would take no joy in a person becoming sick, but when you speak terrible things there is something fitting in having a trachotomy. Things are working quite in my favor today- all my cosmic questions are being answered and my kitten even seems to like as much as I like her :)

Huzzah!

That is all.

I'm watching Shrek- Minh just tried to hit the milk that is being poured to torture the gingerbread man- when she couldn't get it she pulled back and then looked behind my screen :)

( First a kitten update )

( Kate's Health/Life )